it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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