Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Pants are for mortals
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
