btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
