I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
