there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
