the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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