I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
