Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
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Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
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I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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