there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
3pm strippers are depressing
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
