i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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