Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
