tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize