Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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