You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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