fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
