bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Randomize
