some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
