four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
