i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
