there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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