I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
