3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
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She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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