im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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