I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Pants are for mortals
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
