Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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