any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
