I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
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The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
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It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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