We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
