the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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