Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Let's get the cat blown out
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
