im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
