i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
