I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You need Xanax blowdarts
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
