i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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