I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
