First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
