John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
