My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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