So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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