just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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