hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
