Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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