watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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