What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
