My cat gives me a boner
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
sex in a hospital.. check
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
