Old men and throwing up are my life now.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
