Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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