seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
