i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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