I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
That accounts for only three of the penises
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Never let your siblings swipe right.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
