No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
