My Higher Power is John Stamos
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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