I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
