got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
