I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
