I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
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Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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