so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
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